Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
True strength comes from lack of pants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
