Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
