Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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