I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
