; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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