We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
