Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
