i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
