Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
