If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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