be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
