Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
