Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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