Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
