i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
