Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
