anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
