I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
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when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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