I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
