I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
