i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It's Friday. Sex?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
