Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
