I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
