I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
