i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
