well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
