Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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