The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
