The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
