Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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