I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
