I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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