Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
