My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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