At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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