i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
