I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
