i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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