Everything about him screamed your future.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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