dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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