Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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