I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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