Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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