and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
