I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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