he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
