No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
