totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
