My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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