$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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