call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
