I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
