My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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