i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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