8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
