hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
