Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i think i just lost a toe
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
