Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
