My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
