In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
