Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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