I wannas sexs uuuuu
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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