I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
