Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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