She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
